What did we do last night that was yellow?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
