in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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