I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
she peed on how many people?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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