So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
