i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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