Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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