It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
