I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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