Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
