as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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