I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
it's great music for shaving your balls
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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