i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
We are all done wearing pants today
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
