My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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