does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
