You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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