I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize