Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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