she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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