You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Blood and glitter go together right?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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