Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
