I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
