It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You need Xanax blowdarts
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
