You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize