Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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