I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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