I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
