actually, I'm a sock model
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
