I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
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