So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
We need a shit load of segways right now
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
