Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
