where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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