The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
