I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
