i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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