47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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