yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
