Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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