i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
