I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
