I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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