Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
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