Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
