I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
