Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
