I want to walk on stilts...naked
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
