i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
