Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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