I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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