its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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