we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
