your thong is hanging out like whoa
K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
