Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
