some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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