just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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