Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
