i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
