I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
