he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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