just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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