i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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