haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Randomize